Feeling Desperate

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I’m writing this out of desperation, had a few really bad days with Faith’s aggression. I can’t really say they were all seizure activity, though not a hundred percent about that. Her aggression seems to be escalating; it’s gone from scratching to biting. When I say biting, its real latch on with the intent to hurt, she actually reminds me of an animal at times. Her quiet time doesn’t seem to be the magical remedy anymore and it’s a fight to get her in there which just increases the tension and aggression in her and upset in me, because as I’m trying to get her in the room, she’s scratching or biting me.

Yesterday, we reached an all time low, (as yet). While she was in one of her rages, which was centered around Katie who had just come home from school, I asked her to calm down and come and sit with me in her room and read a book. She screamed at me and punched me in the stomach. Now I know she is only five and it wasn’t as if the punch did me any harm, but it was the fact that she actually punched me. I was so taken aback, again she was sent to her room. When she came out a few minutes later, she walked up to me, as I was sat on the floor with the puppy, Faith was at my level. I could see in her eyes she wasn’t completely out of her rage, and she said sorry in a half hearted way, then lifted up her sleeve to show me that she had bitten herself up her arm. This seems to be a regular occurrence now when she is having her quiet time, she hurts herself. So another reason, the quiet time isn’t working. I asked her why she had done that, “because I like it,” she told me. Well mummy doesn’t like seeing you do that and I think it’s silly. With that she punched me in the face. And I can tell you, five years old or not, it made my eyes water and hurt like hell. Katie jumped up and told her off, leading her to her room. After I’d recovered, I followed her into her room and sat quietly next to her on the bed. We talked for a while about what she had done; while we were talking she had a crying seizure which lasted nearly 30 seconds. When it was finished she hugged me, showed me that she had hurt her legs, scratching and said she was sorry. This time it was a heartfelt sorry and I could see in her eyes that my Faith was back.

I am so scared of this behaviour going into school. Over the last year we have seen the anger slowly creeping in with her friends and one to one. Up to now it has only been verbal, but Sue (her one to one) said how she had started with the finger in her friends faces if she wasn’t happy with them and yesterday she had been cross with one girl, who is actually her best friend. When the girl had tried to speak to Faith, Faith had actually gone to put her hand up against the little girl’s mouth in anger to shut her up. This to me is Faith crossing that boundary with the physical aggression in the school environment. To make matters worse for herself, she seems to get an idea that someone is going to do something or say something and then convinces herself that they have actually done it. She will then become completely obsessed with this idea and get more and more upset over it, it then takes a lot of reassurance and talking with her to make her believe that it never actually happened.

I am finding the whole experience exhausting at the moment and I am relieved when I drop her off at school to have some time to unwind and rethink my plan of helping her cope with this continual onslaught of emotions and or seizure activity.